I'll start with a couple

A blonde, brunette and a midget are in an elevator.

Blond(to Brunette)-Hey hes kind of cute!
Brunette-Yeah, but he has dandruff, someone should give him Head & Shoulders.
Blonde-...How do you give Shoulders?


A German, an Italian, and a Jew are on a plane that is having mechanical difficulties. The pilot tells them that the plane is too heavy and the passengers need to throw off the plane something that their country has too much of.

The Italian thinks for a moment and gets rid of spaghetti.

The Jew pauses a second and tosses off some matzoh

The German instantly throws off the Jew.


I really really liked this one

A man and his wife go to church every Sunday, but lately he has had problems staying awake during the sermon and his wife goes to the pastor for help. The pastor, after hearing her explain the problem, gives her a long, sharp metal pin and says, "Every time he begins to sleep, prick him with this pin and it will simultaneously wake him and punish him for his transgression." So she takes the pin and sits down with her husband for the sermon.

As the sermon begins, the priest giving the sermon says "Who is our saviour?" The wife, noticing her husband nodding off, pricks him, and he yells "JEESUS CHRIST!"

Towards the middle of the sermon, the priest says "Who is our almighty lord?" The wife sees her husband falling asleep again, pricks him, and he yells "HOLY GOD!"

As the priest begins to wrap up the days lectures, he says, "What did Eve say to Adam after their ninety-ninth son?" The wife, once again seeing her husband beginning to doze, pricks him with the pin, and the husband spins in his chair, grabs her hand, and screams, "YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND BEAT YOU WITH IT!!!"


This one is lame

Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house." [/b]

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Job 10: 20
The mikey's have a plan. Djay isn't all powerful.

Two old ladies are sitting on a bench in the park for a smoke break.

One of the ladies takes something round out of her purse and slips it onto her cigarette and continues smoking.

The other one looks at her and asks "what is that?"

She replies, "A condom."

The first says, "Oh, where can I get them?"

She replies, "Any supermarket should carry them."

So the next day, the old woman heads to the supermarket and asks the clerk for condoms, the clerk pauses, giving her a strange look, but decides not to be nosy.

"Sure ma'am, what size do you need?"

The old woman replies "One that will fit a camel."

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45 motherfucking views and no participation. Good job



On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29"."I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

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Job 10: 20
The mikey's have a plan. Djay isn't all powerful.

ok wait...

It went from 44 views to over 500 views and still nothing? You guys are fucking lame. I'm not even gonna try anymore.

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Job 10: 20
The mikey's have a plan. Djay isn't all powerful.

what's black and white and re(a)d all over

a newspaper ha ha ! :)

LOLZ poor mikey.

I can move things without touching, I can frezze things without touching, I can bite without touching, What am I?
[spoiler]Wind![/spoiler]

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PS3 Friend list name: Pantherxx Wii code 1629-0463-4657-0263 (revised 9/28/07) Steam ID - Pantherxx010 62BLU 75PLD Reactived 7/5/10 I dare you Click this!

two old ladies were walking down a sidewalk when a streaker comes running by

one of the old ladies had a stroke, the other missed

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"all men die, and no brave man lets death frighten him from his desires"

anything goes?

what do you call a Mexican on the moon? a problem.

what do you call 2 Mexicans on the moon? a problem.

what do you call 3 Mexicans on the moon? a problem.

what do you call all the Mexicans on the moon? problem solved.

that was awesome lolol

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Job 10: 20
The mikey's have a plan. Djay isn't all powerful.

I don't get the three premises of this joke.

why are they problems

btw mikey, this thread has over 700 views because i refreshed it like 600 times earlier today

surprise!

i wrote this one

a mexican a jew a russian and a texan are sitting in the plane

the russian says "let us drink the vodka of russia!"
"No! I want a frickin 100 billion dollars already!" says the jew

They turn to the texan. the mexican says: "hey! your fucking my wife here!"
I mean that guy is really goin at it. vag, anal, vag, anal, hes switching back and forth. the mexican suddenly joins in.
the texan says "now thats what I call texas spitroast BBQ!"

ho do you spot the diference between a liberal and a cocker spaniel?

the cocker spaniel doesnt try to lick ur balls unless u put honey on them...

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
[spoiler]See you next month[/spoiler]

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Take this quiz!

Why were Helen Keller's hands purple?





Because she heard it through the grape vine...

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OMG!

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?

Cause she was a girl.

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I'm just a question knowing my answer,
hope I'm wrong.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_cKCK6Blv0[/youtube]

HAHA /thread

that one made me lol

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RIP Shiloh - I'll never forget ya